6am

6am

I’ve always wanted to be one of those girls that wake up at 6am. It just sounds so healthy, ‘i go to bed at 10 and wake up at 6am.’ Sleep has always been an escape for me and I spend most of my free time watching movies, relaxing etc in my bed. Tucked up with my panda teddy I've had since I was a baby is a favourite pastime. Anyways, 6am I want to say I was up at 6am today but I wasn't I was actually up at 3am as my body decided it didn't want to sleep anymore. So as I'm sitting here writing this it's 8:29 and I'm already 5 and a half hours into the day. It's not like I even had lots of naps yesterday (i had one but that's standard.) I was on a close shift last night so I was shattered but no my brain still wants to be up right now.

Watching the sun come up I was laying there in my bed, Jane the virgin on my panda teddy curled up under my chin. I kept trying to convince myself today is the day I started my new year's resolution of going for a run in the morning. But the time kept ticking and I just couldn't find the energy to get up and get dressed. It's not like I didn't want to, I love running with my music full blast. I just couldn't get up. There's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes I have to remind myself not to be so hard on myself and habits take a while to become routine. However, when it got to 8am I was on TikTok and ‘car outside’ by James author came on. This is a song I've been religiously listening to all week. It felt like a sign to hear that blasting threw earphones while I run.

Cold English air isn't fun or pleasant in the morning. So when I stepped outside I braced myself, but to be honest it was actually refreshing. As I got started on my block run I realised why I hadn't gone earlier and immediately regretted my decision and wanted to go back. I carried on though and my block was over and I was severely out of breath (like thought I was going to drop dead at the front gates type of out of breath.) But like I said before habits take while to become routine. So I’ll try again tomorrow.

I'm currently sitting at my desk with my journal and a little breakfast of Belveta banana and peanut butter. As someone who is still in recovery from an eating disorder, I find it hard to constantly eat breakfast. This meal was always the one I would skip and breaking that cycle has been the hardest. Telling myself that eating breakfast is fine and healthy and should be encouraged. I'm grateful for where I am today and how far I've come from the frail girl who hated everything about eating. Now I enjoy food and am continuing to rebuild a healthy relationship towards food. Sometimes I find it hard, but I continue to try and that's what counts.